Robin Williams's passing has me full of emotion today.
The first emotion is gratitude. Even though he never knew me, Robin Williams is hugely responsible for my silliness. I was always a little quirky and luckily, grew up on his films and shows. I still remember the day my mom sat me down and MADE me watch my first episode of Mork & Mindy. I remember how excited she was for me to see his comedy. I'm sure I pretended not to like it (that's what daughters do, right?), but inside, I was so happy to see someone FAMOUS acting the way that I always felt on the inside. As I got a little older, and began to worry about fitting in, I would see him on tv, and think, "He isn't afraid to be himself!" It's wrong to idolize someone, but I idolized him. I idolized his confidence and lack of inhibition.
The second emotion I feel is guilt. Obviously, it is very unlikely that I could have ever expressed to him my gratitude for his fearlessness. My gut reaction is, he might have rolled his eyes, thought I was weird, or just thrown my letter in the trash.
Stop and think about that for a second.
How often do we go through life, not making an effort to extend kindness to EVERYONE we meet. What is the main reason? Not because we don't care, not because we think we're better, but because we don't have the confidence.
I look back on my life and reflect on all of the times I could have, should have, extended kindness to someone. Just this Sunday, a girl sat next to me in church and I thought she had the most beautiful hair. Did I tell her? No. Why? Because I didn't have the confidence to disturb her. (Usually I'm much better about this, because I have made a conscious effort to share these thoughts, no matter what the other person might think...but this Sunday, I missed the chance.) Maybe she hears this compliment all the time, but I bet it still would have added just a little bit of spark to HER self-confidence.
I also reflect on the bigger things. I think about friendships that have fallen through the cracks. I think about fights with family. I think of all of the times that I could have extended an olive branch. Luckily, it's not too late for most of those.
The greatest guilt I feel is for the olive branches I didn't extend in time. Today, I am thinking about my sweet friend Bryce. He was my own personal Robin Williams. He made me unstoppable. Looking back now, I wouldn't extend him an olive branch...I would give him the entire tree.
I think back on Junior Prom. While everyone else was bumping and grinding (ew.), we went out into the middle of the dance floor and danced our Musical Theater choreography to Footloose. Did everyone think we were nerds? Probably. Did we care? No. As long as Bryce was next to me, I wasn't afraid of what anyone thought.
It sounds silly, and I hate to share this...but I'm not perfect and neither is anyone who is reading this now.
When we were kids, Bryce wrote me a letter. He specifically said, "Don't show this to anyone." Well, as I was leaving school, I opened the letter, a friend ran up to me, and Bryce was sitting on the school bus watching. He called me that evening (on my home phone..remember when we had those?) and he was HURT. One careless moment hurt the truest friend anyone could ever ask for. Now, the letter didn't have anything major in it, but the principle of carelessly hurting my friend, has always stuck with me. I still have the letter, and one day I will use it to teach my daughter about the impact of our choices.
Anyway, he forgave me and we were close friends all through high school. He came to my Baptism- which I was terrified about, because I was baptized in the church of of the boyfriend I had just broken up with, and the only people I knew there were that ex's family. Bryce was there. He didn't care what anyone thought, he only cared that I was confident in my decision and that NOTHING could make me turn around. I hope that he gets HUGE credit for that in heaven.
(Cry break!)
My story with Bryce gets a little fuzzy after that. I graduated, focused on silly things like sororities and boyfriends, then I moved to Texas. I watched him on Facebook, living out the dream we shared as kids, and always felt like I NEEDED to reach out to him. To tell him that I was so grateful for the impact he had on my life. Then he got sick. I didn't know what to do, so I wrote him a Facebook message and prayed that he would read it before it was too late. Guess what, it was too late.
I have ALWAYS, and will ALWAYS carry such a heavy guilt for being too afraid to reach out to him sooner. To tell him that he inspired me every single day.
I do find a little comfort though in knowing that he is still around. I don't care what anybody says, I know he's with me.
The moral of the story is- NEVER be afraid to extend kindness to someone. It can be a compliment on their pretty hair, it can be gratitude for something the have done. It doesn't matter.
Our lives are so full of negativity. We wear confident faces, but on the inside, we are afraid to build up other people for fear that they might cut us down. That never actually happens. And if it does, at least you can have peace in your heart that you did your part.
This blog was incredibly difficult for me to write. I hate to share any weakness, and every fiber (almost) of my being, wants to delete it all.
BUT- what's more important than myself is that we all think about our actions, step outside of our comfort zone, and make life just a little bit better for everyone that we can. Robin Williams did that, Bryce Blair did that, I hope that one day, I can leave that legacy as well.
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